Holding hands is such an interesting form of PDA because, despite it being a more 'conservative' form of affection, it is also usually a prolonged act, as you point out. I think we probably feel more conscious about holding hands than perhaps kissing because the length of the act usually translates to a larger aggregate audience, and the more people that see us, the higher the risk that one of them won't like what they see.
The #holdtight question is one that has troubled me for some time. We know from what progress has been made over the years that visibility is a vital component of furthering acceptance. Visibility, however, carries with it significant and very real risks. We put ourselves in potentially mortal danger when we are publicly visible, and that is more than should be expected of us. We are soldiers in a war we never wanted to fight.
The thing is, people can't be visible for us. Even the most wonderful, committed LGBTQ+ ally cannot live a queer experience on our behalf. They can help normalize queerdom in other ways, no doubt, by creating queer characters in their art and being a friend to the community, but in the end I don't think ultimate equality can be achieved without queer people taking the risk of visibility themselves.
Should it be our responsibility to normalise our existence? Hell no.
Will anyone else do it for us? Can they? I really don't think so.
Normalisation, however, is a long and arduous process. It's important to note that queer identities shouldn't have to be universally normalised for our legislators and law enforcement agencies to become better at punishing hate crimes. Before we get to the point where queer PDA is normalised and accepted, we need to get to the point where it is safe. People can still not like it, but it needs to be understood that the law will rain down upon those who act on their prejudices. Currently, the law is severely lacking in this regard. If we were safe, we could be more open and more effective in our visibility, which in turn might lead to more normalisation.
Just writing these words has made me realise yet again just how much work there still is to do. The question of whether to try and convince the law first or the public of our right to love and live is not one any group of people should have to ask. It goes to show how important newsletters like this are. Unity is the only way forward.
Great article Till, looking forward to the next one!
"The question of whether to try and convince the law first or the public of our right to love and live is not one any group of people should have to ask."
So well said and I totally agree with you. No queer person (and no minority in general) should ever be expected to bear the responsibility of normalizing their existence – if the resistance were peaceful that would be one thing, but as the numbers (and our personal experiences) have clearly shown, it isn't. Like you've said, it's like being a soldier in a war you didn't sign up for.
But I agree that no other group can bear the weight of that responsibility for us, simply for the fact that they aren't us. Don't get me wrong, the support and understanding of straight/cis allies means more than most will ever know and has a HUGE impact, but the fact remains that they can't always be there to protect LGBTQ+ people – they don't live with queerness every day as queer people do.
So, I think it has to be a combined effort between queer-allies who actively expose themselves to gay content (and thereby expose their friends/family to it as well), LGBTQ+ "soldiers" that choose to step out and bear the weight of representation, along with, as you've suggested, comprehensive and air-tight legal protections against discrimination in any/all forms it may take. Kind of a three-pronged, complicated answer, but I guess there just can't be a simple answer to such a complicated issue.
Thanks for your comment! Lots and lots to think about.
Holding hands is such an interesting form of PDA because, despite it being a more 'conservative' form of affection, it is also usually a prolonged act, as you point out. I think we probably feel more conscious about holding hands than perhaps kissing because the length of the act usually translates to a larger aggregate audience, and the more people that see us, the higher the risk that one of them won't like what they see.
The #holdtight question is one that has troubled me for some time. We know from what progress has been made over the years that visibility is a vital component of furthering acceptance. Visibility, however, carries with it significant and very real risks. We put ourselves in potentially mortal danger when we are publicly visible, and that is more than should be expected of us. We are soldiers in a war we never wanted to fight.
The thing is, people can't be visible for us. Even the most wonderful, committed LGBTQ+ ally cannot live a queer experience on our behalf. They can help normalize queerdom in other ways, no doubt, by creating queer characters in their art and being a friend to the community, but in the end I don't think ultimate equality can be achieved without queer people taking the risk of visibility themselves.
Should it be our responsibility to normalise our existence? Hell no.
Will anyone else do it for us? Can they? I really don't think so.
Normalisation, however, is a long and arduous process. It's important to note that queer identities shouldn't have to be universally normalised for our legislators and law enforcement agencies to become better at punishing hate crimes. Before we get to the point where queer PDA is normalised and accepted, we need to get to the point where it is safe. People can still not like it, but it needs to be understood that the law will rain down upon those who act on their prejudices. Currently, the law is severely lacking in this regard. If we were safe, we could be more open and more effective in our visibility, which in turn might lead to more normalisation.
Just writing these words has made me realise yet again just how much work there still is to do. The question of whether to try and convince the law first or the public of our right to love and live is not one any group of people should have to ask. It goes to show how important newsletters like this are. Unity is the only way forward.
Great article Till, looking forward to the next one!
"The question of whether to try and convince the law first or the public of our right to love and live is not one any group of people should have to ask."
So well said and I totally agree with you. No queer person (and no minority in general) should ever be expected to bear the responsibility of normalizing their existence – if the resistance were peaceful that would be one thing, but as the numbers (and our personal experiences) have clearly shown, it isn't. Like you've said, it's like being a soldier in a war you didn't sign up for.
But I agree that no other group can bear the weight of that responsibility for us, simply for the fact that they aren't us. Don't get me wrong, the support and understanding of straight/cis allies means more than most will ever know and has a HUGE impact, but the fact remains that they can't always be there to protect LGBTQ+ people – they don't live with queerness every day as queer people do.
So, I think it has to be a combined effort between queer-allies who actively expose themselves to gay content (and thereby expose their friends/family to it as well), LGBTQ+ "soldiers" that choose to step out and bear the weight of representation, along with, as you've suggested, comprehensive and air-tight legal protections against discrimination in any/all forms it may take. Kind of a three-pronged, complicated answer, but I guess there just can't be a simple answer to such a complicated issue.
Thanks for your comment! Lots and lots to think about.