[Vol. 65] "I kNoW YoU BeTtER"
No, you don't. Believe them when they tell you who they are.
Welcome back to That’s Gay 🌈 A biweekly newsletter for all the folks outgrowing "the way things are" – written by a queer kid who knows the feeling.
Candid, current, chaotic, and always tongue-in-cheek.
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Hello and welcome back to That’s Gay – and happy Friday everyone :)
Also, happy Bisexual Awareness Week! That’s right, it’s officially bi week. Not sure who made the call to start it on a Thursday, but I digress.
To any and all of my bisexual identifying-friends, I see you 😊 (your fruit basket and flowers are in the mail btw).
My (unasked for) PSA for bi week? Bi men aren’t just secretly gay and bi women aren’t just secretly straight.
Here’s a golden rule I’ve learned to adopt when someone opens up to me about their identity: They know more about who they are than you, a person who is not them, does (or ever will).
Whether or not you understand or register someones sexuality/gender identity is a variable outside of the equation. No one owes you proof, no matter how much some may feel entitled to it.
And sometimes, you really feel entitled to it. I get that.
When a close friend or family member “comes out” to you with new information – whether it’s a potential career change, a new passion, or their shifting identity – our skepticism can be easily triggered (at least mine has).
That’s especially true when it’s a friend or family member you think you know everything about.
“No, he’s not serious about wanting to move to France and become a Parisian pastry chef. Besides, he’s always saying he’s going to do stuff and never follows through. He’s my brother. Trust me, I know him better than he knows himself.”
^ First of all, this may or may not be the beginnings of my hit off-broadway play, “Le Puff-Pastry Dream”. Leaning towards “may not”, but you never know – I withhold the rights regardless.
Second of all, even if Paul isn’t going to take his pastry-making skills to the Parisian big leagues, why kill his confidence like that? Is there anything more demeaning than assuming someone won’t do something because of … who they are? What in the gaslighting-hell is that??
Ok, you may never have had a friend/family member announce they want to bake croissants in Europe, but you’ve definitely heard something to this effect come out of someone’s mouth before – especially that last part.
When we defy people’s expectations of us, they’re tempted to pronounce us wrong until proven right.
They’ve built up a version of ourselves in their own heads that’s separate from who we really are, and now we’ve thrown that image a curve ball.
I think we all have stagnant versions of our loved ones in our heads. How could we not? Think about it: You only know the version of your friends and family that you’ve actually gotten the chance to know.
The thing is, I think humans are a lot more like authors than we are characters in a story. We’re always writing, re-writing, backtracking, scratching things out, and editing. We grow and change and take our stories every which way. The rigid character arcs we each assign to each other just aren’t flexible enough to fit.
So, when we say “I know them better than I know themselves”, or “they’re my [insert relationship here]”, I think what we’re really saying is, “this is who they are … to me”.
TL;DR We’re centering ourselves, rather than the person telling us they’re changing.
And the problem with that is … well, it’s not really about us is it?
When someone tells you they don’t believe you are who you say you are, or that you’re not the same person anymore, know that you’ve done nothing but grow beyond their expectations of you. You’ve simply done what life has been doing for time immemorial: grown. No one can fault you for that.
If they’re truly a friend or family member worth keeping around, they’ll come around. If not, know that it would have been exhausting and ultimately futile to try and keep up appearances as the person they thought you were in their head. That’s one too many layers to keep track of.
Unless this is a person you see once in blue moon, it’s just not worth your time and energy – especially not when you’re spending a good deal of time and energy trying to figure out who the hell you are yourself!
So folks, happy bi week :)
This week (and every god damn week to come) I have never to want to hear the phrase, “I know them better than they know themselves” ever again. Cut that out.
Believe your friends and family when they tell you who they are, support them in their endeavors, let them make mistakes and fumble in figuring themselves out, and, most importantly, don’t forget you have your own self to worry about too.
As the iconic Miranda Priestly would say: That’s all!
See you in the next one.
Find me on Instagram: @till_kaeslin
Check out the newsletter’s home on Instagram to see this post there, and more like it: @thatsgaynewsletter
See you in Volume 66, folks!
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