[Vol. 50] Questioning my Gender, in Hindsight
Things I wish I could've told myself that I'll now tell you.
First of all, a tragedy. Ok, maybe a little dramatic. Somehow, someway, I missed the Brooklyn Liberation rally that went down on Sunday 😢 Seeing all the pictures of folks all in white, rallying in support of trans youth (and specifically black trans folks) was amazing but, obviously, not quite the same as being there in person.
Here’s an important post I saw on social media from the event via my fave trans activist, Schuyler Bailar – who was also a speaker that day (@pinkmantaray on Instagram)
That great misfortune aside, I was still able to do a little pro-trans demonstration of my own – actually something I’ve wanted to do for quite some time now. I run pretty regularly (its my way of destressing and de-anxiety-afying), so I figured, why not run with a message? Here’s what that looked like:
It was a weird, fun, empowering experience all rolled into one – the highlight for sure being all the positive reactions, smiles, and words of support I got from strangers on the street.
The point of all of this? Trans youth need us now more than ever – yes, you too. More anti-trans legislation has been passed this year than in the last ten years combined. Go to pinkmantaray.com/links to find quality insights on trans issues, resources for allies, petitions to get behind etc.
Definitely not the last day I’ll be doing this, nor the last message I’ll have my roommate help me paint on my chest (we’ll just have to recalculate when it gets colder out 🥶 ).
That’s all for the weekend update – let’s get into today’s letta’
& while you’re at it, subscribe and share friends ;)
Happy Tuesday, queers and queer-allies :) Welcome back to the gayest newsletter out there (ok that’s probably not true, but if every pizza joint on the block can say they’ve got “the best pizza in town” then fuck it).
50 FUCKING VOLUMES!!!
Sorry for the profanity, but like, wow 50 volumes (and let’s be real, I’m rarely not profane). This is a milestone and I couldn’t be more thankful for you – for being here and for reading my words 😊 If you ever wondered to yourself whether you’re a good LGBTQ+ ally, wonder no more. The whole point of this newsletter is to emphasize that queer issues are everybody’s issue, and you’re here affirming that. Simply put: You’re the coolest.
Ok, Till, you’re scaring them. Let’s get into volume 50, shall we?
You know what they say. Hindsight is 20/20.
I’m not sure who “they” are, but I sure am annoyed as hell at them for having said that.
Why? Because, to me, that phrase solidified the concept that I can’t go back in time and tell my younger, less self-assured self that all will, in fact, be ok.
How did I go from that panicked, closeted kid to this slightly-less panicked, gender-fluid kid?
I may not be able to go back and give myself the vote of confidence I *so desperately* wish I could, but I can do it for kids like me growing up today. The way I see it, knowledge gained is waisted on those that don’t share it with others – which is really just an evolved version of a phrase from our good ol’ primary school days: “sharing is caring”.
So, in the spirit of “sharing is caring” here are some of my biggest takeaways from years of gender questioning (and a life spent decidedly unsure) that I can pass on:
*If you’re an ally, born with a natural sense of peace with your gender assigned at birth, don’t click away. This newsletter is for you as well, as every volume of this newsletter is. Queer people exist all around you – a look into some of their experiences is never wasted time.
I know, “mourn” makes it all sound so dark, but here’s what I mean.
In my experience, confusion was less of a phase and more of a lifestyle.
Sure, I now have my own gender identity under the gender queer umbrella that I identify with, but that doesn’t mean my confusion is gone. There are many times where I’m still confused; where I don’t know what I want or who I want to be.
That used to frustrate me to no end (and at times it still does). I’ve written about this before, but I spent so much of the past few years holding out on myself until I was “sure”. Instead of experimenting with my gender expression and trying on different labels to see how they fit, I devoted myself to untangling my confusion in my head, alone, so that I could come out the other side a fully-formed, fully-decided butterfly.
Well … here we are, out of the cocoon and still a caterpillar.
My advice to you: let go of the idea that you need to be sure; that you need to be sure to live your life openly. You don’t. Mourn that doubtlessness you once had (or always wished you did) and let go of that fixation.
Then, start experimenting – it’s so much more fun.
When I was going through the most intense period of my gender questioning, I remember I would rack my brain trying to answer the question: Do I really want to be a girl?
I couldn’t fathom that there was anything else but two options.
I could either try putting all the questioning behind me and live my life as I had been (impossible), or decide to transition and become a girl.
The thing is, I didn’t feel comfortable with either. I knew I couldn’t live my life like I had been up until then – I constantly felt exhausted by everyday life and I hardly ever felt authentically me. I also knew I couldn’t transition – the idea of being a girl, body and all, didn’t sit right with me. It just wasn’t, and isn’t, me.
So where did that leave me? Who the hell was I?? Those questions bipped and bopped around my head endlessly for a long time.
It all got easier when a friend I’d confided in decided to confront me.
“Have you ever even tried experimenting with your expression at all?” She asked. “How would you know what you want if you haven’t tried to see yourself in different ways?”
She – and others – made me realize that I had been subjugating myself to gender confusion purgatory this whole time.
Ironically, I figured things out a lot quicker when I gave up trying to skip ahead to the big picture in favor of patiently putting together the pieces of the puzzle.
Honestly, looking back on it now, I think I didn’t gravitate towards queer people like I do today for a long time because I wasn’t comfortable with my own queerness.
What I saw in them made me see things in myself that I just wasn’t ready to deal with.
But here’s something I learned along the way: The sooner you open yourself up to other queer folk that you can relate to, the sooner you’re going to feel less alone.
I know that might seem like some painfully obvious advice, but it’s something I honestly didn’t know I was missing until I found it. Having a good queer support system – even if it’s just a handful of like-minded friends – is a game changer.
This one’s kind of a new tactic for me but, like the rest, I wish I’d figured it out earlier.
When I get hit with gender confusion – especially when I’m out in public – it feels like a little (or big) jolt of panic.
If I could compare it to anything more mundane and relatable, I’d say it feels most like when you realize you’ve left something important back home but you’re already halfway down the street. It feels like that; like, “oh shit” and then lots of rumination on what to do next.
I used to have no strategy for dealing with these “oh shit” moments. If anything, my strategy was to strap on my headlamp and start climbing down the gender-questioning rabbit hole. A no bueno strategy, to say the least.
These days, I approach it differently (thank god).
Instead of putting myself at the mercy of that panicked feeling, I remind myself that it’s there for a reason.
I’m genderqueer – gender-fluid - if I feel confusion and anxiety come on while walking down the street, it’s because I don’t fit into the box I’m “supposed” to fit in. That momentary panic is my mind feeling unsettled in my body; in my surroundings. It’s there for a reason.
Telling myself that there’s a reason I feel this way – that it’s ok to feel this way – has honestly been one of the biggest comforts.
Before I go, here’s a solid resource on gender identity and gender identity-related terms from NPR (in collaboration with GLAAD). As overused as this phrase is, let’s keep educating ourselves.
Find me on Instagram: @till_kaeslin
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And that was That’s Gay, Volume 50. THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY!!
See you in Volume 51, friends ;)
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50vols? Well done!! And happy 50th anniversary :) (about the newsletter of course, certainly not for your age! 🤣 )