[Vol. 40] To All the Moms of LGBTQ+ Kids
Yes that includes you, mom <3
Hey Moms,
How are ya’ll?
Happy (early) Mother’s Day weekend :)
Personally, my family never really made a big deal out of Mother’s Day (not that I can remember, anyway). And that’s not because we didn’t love our Matriarch (Hi, mom – love ya!), but because …
1) I don’t think Mother’s Day is as big of a thing back in the homeland (Switzerland). At least not in the Hallmark way it is here in the U.S.
2) My family wasn’t big on the gushy, “I love you, mommy” stuff. We’re Swiss German, after all – emphasis on the German. We’re a cold people. We don’t have time to waste on trivial feelings like love and affection. Not like the French, anyways …
Ok, I’m kidding.
Of course I love and appreciate my family, just as I know they love and appreciate me.
But that’s the thing about our family - our love for one another is known.
It doesn’t need to be, and was never expected to be, spelled out on a card.
So, as I was growing up, I always remember finding the lovey-dovey cards and over-the-top flower bouquets and Instagram posts thanking a parent for being “my best friend” (without that parent even having an Instagram account to see the post, mind you) a little icky.
‘Real love doesn’t need to spoken or written – let alone posted,’ I’d think (often aloud).
But here’s the thing: As I’ve gotten older, moved out on my own, and grown into my own person (look ma, no hands!), I’ve come to learn that everybody loves in different ways – often aligning with where their strengths lay.
Some are great huggers and show you their love with a big, almost suffocating bear hug. Others are expert listeners and even better shoppers – they show you their love with a perfectly selected gift.
While I do love a good hug, I know now I can express my love no better than when I put it into words.
That’s right, we’ve come full circle. The former sappy card-cringer and Instagram caption-hater is now sitting here, in the outside-seating section of a West Village cafe in the rain, writing a sappy post for his mom.
I love you, mom. And while this letter is officially addressed to all the moms of queer children out there, know that I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this if it weren’t for you.
To all the moms of queer kids: You are a force in your queer kid’s life.
Whether you fully realize it or not, the love and acceptance you’ve shown your child has changed their life. You’ve given them something that no one can take away from them; something that will propel them through the world despite its darkest corners.
Admittedly … I hate to admit to anything. It feels like losing, and I hate losing. I even hated admitting that.
In the past, I’ve especially hated admitting that I needed anything from anyone else. I’ve always liked to think that when things got hard, when life got confusing, I could always rely on myself to dig up what I needed to get through.
Ok, so here’s the part where I need to admit something: I needed the love my mom showed me – the almost nonchalant acceptance she responded with when I came out to her – to get through.
Like all queer kids, I needed to know that someone was in my corner when I didn’t even feel like I was in my corner.
I didn’t just want it, I needed it.
On the one hand, I want to say that that was just my mom doing her job. Your job as a mother is supposed to be to love your child unconditionally – no ifs, ands, or buts. It’s what you signed up for.
But considering there are so many moms out there who’s love for their own sons and daughters seems to stop short of attending a gay wedding or learning new pronouns, I don’t think I can leave it at that.
Supportive moms of queer kids: what you’ve done for your child is more than just a job. It’s a gift; a gift that cannot be bought, bartered, or fabricated.
No, your child may not be exactly who you thought they were going to be when you first held them in your arms, but so what?
My parents always had a saying, “Du bist du und ich bin ich.” Translated that means, “You are you, and I am I.” Translated again, that means, “Be whoever the fuck you want, you’re your own person goddamnit.”
*loosely translated ;)
I can’t 100% speak for my mom here, but do I think she expected a gay, genderqueer child when she went into labor for the second time? Probably not.
But again, so what?
From what I can tell, my mom always understood that my brothers and I were our own people.
She recognized that while she gave birth to us (thanks for that, by the way), she didn’t design us. “Du bist du und ich bin ich.”
Although I’m not a parent myself (and do not plan on being one any time soon), I imagine that’s the fine line you have to walk – the line between recognizing that your children are their own people, while also knowing that they do need you.
I needed my mom when I was coming out as much as I did when I was a kid; as much as I do to this day, and to all the days to come.
That need may look different than when you had to clean up after their messes or wipe the smudgy chocolate from their cheeks, but make no mistake, it never goes away.
So, to all the moms of queer kids out there (including my own), know that in loving your child regardless of which closet they’ve come out of, you’ve given them more than they could ever want; you’ve given them something they need (and when they needed it most, no less).
Whether you realize it or not, you are a force in your queer child’s life. And this Mother’s Day, I cannot thank you more for it.
Much love,
A queer kid who knows.
P.S. I know there are many, many queer folks out there who don’t have supporting moms, parents, or family members.
When I say that the kind of love and acceptance I describe here in this newsletter is a need, I truly do believe it. However, I truly don’t believe that this love and acceptance has to come from one specific place.
Familial ties are sacred, but only in so far as they are respected. Blood is thicker than water, but not when it’s been watered down.
You can find the love you need elsewhere, as I’m sure you already have. Chosen family is a very real thing. My chosen family and my biological family are one and the same, but only because I got lucky.
We don’t choose who we’re born to or who raises us, just as we don’t get to decide whether or not those people love us unconditionally. If your chosen family does not include your mom or parent, then this Mother’s Day, celebrate whoever it is that’s done their job for them – your extended family, your friends, your mentors.
The title – “mom”, or “parent” – is just a title. It’s the role they play that’s important.
This week’s LGBTQ+ news went off the rails, ya’ll. I opened my daily email from LGBTQ+ Nation, a queer-focused news source you should all check out, to a whole bunch of crazy.
Here’s the headline I picked, since (much to my frustration) it builds on the same theme as the headline in the last issue.
WEDNESDAY 05/05 – Trans Rights Come Down to an Arm Wrestling Match at City Hall
Yea, you read that right. Only in Florida.
An arm wrestling match didn’t actually go down, but the Republican Vice Mayor of Fort Lauderdale, Heather Moraitis suggested it.
The potential competitor: Carvelle Estriplet, a local business owner and black trans woman.
The issue at hand: The issue conservatives just can’t seem to get off their mind – whether trans youth should be allowed to participate in school sports.
Estriplet was testifying against a decision by Vice Mayor Moraitis (and others) to uphold the state’s proposed trans sports-ban when the Vice Mayor decided the strongest argument she could make was to joke about challenging Estriplet to an arm wrestle. You know, to test her physical advantage.
Check out the video of the proceedings here. Whew. What a mess.
All I need or even want to say about this absolute circus going on all over the country has already been said by Moraitis herself.
The Vice Mayor was repeatedly confronted with facts in this instance, as most conservative supporters of trans exclusionary sports have been, I imagine. One particularly ironic fact was that the Florida High School Athletic Association itself (following suit with the NCAA and International Olympic Committee) have had policies and protocols in place for integrating trans women and girls in sports for almost a decade without issue (one of the lawmakers in the video says it himself).
Instead of taking these facts into consideration, as well as the abundant research that has been done to support fair trans integration into women’s sports, Moraitis chose to size up Estriplet – a trans women who’s transition and hormone status we know absolutely nothing about – and use her appearance as a weapon.
Decidedly ignoring the fact that trans women athletes are required to undergo hormone replacement therapy for a set standard of years before walking onto the track, field, or basketball court – let alone the fact that trans women are massively diverse in how far they choose to take their transitions – Moraitis simply said, “I don’t understand, obviously, the issue as much as you do.”
And all I have to say is this: If you didn’t take the time to understand, then what the hell are we even doing here?
Has she read some of the research and looked at the examples set by massive, international athletic organizations like the NCAA and International Olympic Committee (or even the Florida High School Athletic Association on her own home turf)?
How could you possibly feel ok ruling on something that’s going to directly effect children’s lives in your city, in your state, without even giving the opposition a chance?
This is what I mean when I say the conservative argument here smells transphobic. There just doesn’t seem to be any real effort made to understand or to compromise.
They’re voting based on the knee-jerk reaction of broad assumptions and fear, and if it weren’t for folks like Estriplet, children would (and in many cases still will) pay the price for it.
And that was That’s Gay, Volume 40. A whole 40 volumes!! :)
See you in Volume 41, folks!
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