[Vol. 37] You're Getting There
A little bday reflection for ya.
Every year, when I blow out my candles, cringe to the sound of the birthday song, and declare myself another year older, I get super reflective.
When that happens, I usually want to be alone. I know, might sound like an odd thing to want on your birthday, but I really just need an hour or two – nothing more.
This time around, I went on a long run through the city.
I went East, towards the East River, then abruptly changed my mind and went the total opposite direction – finally ending up on the piers overlooking the Hudson.
Here’s a little pic I snagged because, of course, we love a visual.
“You’re getting there” I told myself.
I looked out over the water and I said to myself, “you’re getting there”. I know, horribly melodramatic, but exceptions can be made on birthdays I suppose.
It was a thought I’ve been thinking for a while now.
For so much of my life, I always felt like I was running from something I didn’t want to be. I guess that’s why I fell in love with running – actually physically running – because, for that brief moment in time, it felt like I was getting away; like I’d successfully outrun that shadow.
Now, for the first time in … ever, it feels like I’m running towards something, not away from it.
When I run, it’s no longer in escape, but in celebration. I’m alive, I’m growing, and I’m getting there.
We all have a “there” – the place we’re always trying to go but will probably never truly reach. Or, we do reach it, but as soon as we do, “there” moves to another somewhere; no longer here, but over there … somewhere?
When I was 18, 19, 20, 21 and 22, I was so terribly impatient – as I’ll probably be many more times to come. I wanted to get “there” as fast as I could, to a place where I was happy with myself, totally fulfilled by who I really was and wanting for nothing more.
As I turn 23, I realize that “there” will always be over there, and not quite here.
Not because I don’t think I’ll ever be everything I want to be, but because I’ve realized that who I am, what I want, and where I want to go is always changing.
There will always be a “there” I can’t wait to get to – the trick is, I think, not to figure out the fastest way to that impossible point, but to get better at being ok with “getting there”. What does that look like? Well, in my opinion, it starts with accepting that life exists between where you stand now and where you want to go, and that you don’t have to get there before you allow yourself to live it.
And, not to get too convoluted here, but the more I focus on that reality, the more I realize that I’m probably never “here” or “there” but rather in a constant state of inbetween-ness. I’m never at the beginning, never at the end, but always on my way; always “getting there”.
Not sure if that speaks to you at all like it does to me, but I guess I never really know how what I write resonates with other people.
This, however, I do know: It’s ok to let yourself be – you’re getting to where you need to go, whether you feel it or not.
Trust that being a constant work in progress is good enough; is all you possibly can be. Know that “being yourself” is a lifelong pursuit with lots of ups and downs and loopde-loops, and the fun lies, I think, in being down for the ride.
That’s all folks. Hope we’re all getting there. :)
Gay Goss Catchup
Decided it might be fun to throw in a quick headline on queer-focused news with each newsletter (at least, that is, when I find something interesting enough).
Here’s what caught my eye this past week:
FRIDAY 04/23: Andrew Yang’s Got His Tongue Twisted
Andrew Yang has thrown his hat in the ring for Mayor of the Big Apple, and while I can’t comment on his policies, I can comment on his more … cringey efforts to garner support from the LBGTQ+ community.
Apparently he’s officially missed out on the Stonewall Democratic Club of New York’s endorsement after calling the gays a “secret weapon” for Democrats, talking about how excited he was to go to a lesbian bar over outlining specific progressive policy, and (this one’s particularly unfortunate) questioning why Democrats ever lost anything given, and I quote, “we have you all.”
There’s truly nothing minority groups like more than being commodified. Yikers, Yang. Def a low moment for him, but check out where he stands on the issues here for a more complete picture.
And that was That’s Gay, Volume 37. See you in Volume 38, folks!
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