[Vol. 23] What Are We Going to Do Without "No Homo"?
If a tree falls on another tree in the forest and doesn't say "no homo", is it a gay tree?
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“No Homo”
Definition: A phrase used as slang at the end of a sentence to assert the statement spoken by the speaker had no intentional homosexual implications.”
Use in a sentence: “Ya Timothy Olyphant is hot as fuck – but no homo, bro. Obviously.”
*If you do not know who this actor is, please do you and your eyeballs a service and Google him now. Now!
Translation: “Yes I have working eyes and a brain equipped with the proper neurological imaging to discern that Timothy Olyphant has the jawline of a god and the smile of an angel, but that does not, in fact, make me a homosexual. Obviously.”
Translation of the translation: “Knowing Timothy Olyphant is hot as fuck doesn’t make me gay! … Right? Guys? Am I right? Don’t leave me hanging here … 🥺 ”
Ah “No Homo”, a phrase as old as time.
Although I’m not quite the ancient history buff, I believe “No Homo” had its origins in ancient Egypt.
The Pharaoh wanted to compliment one of his subjects on his new silk robe, but not in a gay way, obviously.
It’s amazing to think that they didn’t have the language for that kind of compliment back then – what a mess!
Anyways, eventually I think it was one of his other, more fashion-forward servants (you know, the one that always spent more time with his roommate than his wife), who first suggested, “No Homo” as an antidote to the whole debacle.
So marked the day the Pharaoh and all future generations of straight men to come could finally compliment their friends without sleeping with them.
Whew! What a relief!
And by the way, I’m not linking any of my research here because this history is all very well established. It’s public knowledge, of course – so long as you can read ancient hieroglyphics 😉
In many ways, really not much has changed since the Pharaoh’s days of “I’m not gay, I just really like the quality of your outfit” faux-pas.
And thank god for it! If “No Homo” didn’t exist back when I was a scrawny, little, closet-case Middle Schooler, how would I have known the difference between who was gay and who was just a human man with human emotions??
Like, if one of my friends were to hug me and tell me how much I meant to him back in the day, how would I have known he wasn’t gay if he didn’t whisper that sweet little phrase in my ear mid-embrace – “no homo, bro”. That would’ve been quite the pickle, since as everyone knows, hugging, complimenting, or showing any affection at all between two men is a MAJOR rainbow flag.
I don’t want to be the one to break it to you, but if your boyfriend or husband has ever hugged another man, he’s definitely gay – unless, of course, he said “no homo”, in which case you’ve just got yourself a human man with the ability to feel things.
It’s a tough call for sure though, and you really have to be around at the end of that hug to hear it.
Sometimes it’s barely a whisper. Sometimes it even comes with a slap or squeeze of the ass. Sometimes you might even be able to see your man’s grip tighten mid-hug – almost as if he’s holding the other guy as close as possible for as long as he possibly can; as if he’s imagining a life where he didn’t end up with you, but this man he’s hugging – his college roommate, Gary – and they have two well-groomed kids, a corgi (the gay man’s dog of choice), and every recorded Ariana Grande track in existence (on vinyl and, of course, proudly on display). As you watch them closely, you can almost see your man smiling through the dream haze in which Gary brings him his morning Starbucks iced coffee in an Andrew Christian jock strap.
But that’s just all in good fun, girl – as long as he said “no homo” !
Even if you catch him making out with Gary over the toilet later, trust me, you’re all good. Sure he had his tongue down another man’s throat, but you know how red wine gets him.
Now where would we be without that magic little phrase?
Unfortunately, I think we’re about to find out.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve noticed as the straight men in my life have started to become more secure in their sexuality.
They’re starting to say, do, and enjoy whatever they so please, without giving a single fuck if it makes them look gayer than a Sunday brunch in Hell’s Kitchen.
They’re wearing short shorts and working on their “glutes” – which is just straight man code for booty.
They’re opening up about their emotions and not apologizing for it.
They’re even hugging their friend Gary without saying, “no homo”.
Yes folks, it’s the wild west of faux-gayness out there.
It’s almost as if people are beginning to believe the only thing that makes you truly gay is being attracted to other men.
Okay, wow, stop me if I’m getting a little too radical here. Either way, we’re certainly embarking on a new frontier.
Doing whatever the fuck you want to do is in, homophobia is out.
Your man won’t let go of Gary’s cheeks and he just spent three hours in the gym working on his own. What a world.
No more are the days we could solve all our problems with that simple, time-old phrase. Now we’ve actually got to think about, talk about, and ask each other about our sexualities.
It’s a whole lot, but I’m sure we can do it. Farewell “no homo”, may you survive in the recesses of every straight man’s head as a friendly hug lingers just a little too long.
Today’s discussion Q:
Any funny/weird/awkward stories with “no homo”? Share them if you feel up to it :)
I know my answer. Let me know yours in the comments below! As always, I’ll be reading/responding to all.
And that was That’s Gay, Volume 23. See you in Volume 24, folks!
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