[Vol. 11] Queer Kids Need You
Why LGBTQ+ youth are in crisis & what you can do.
Trigger/Content Warning: This volume contains mentions of suicide and self-harm.
If you are in crisis, click here for the Trevor Project’s 24/7 lifeline.
*Announcement P.S. at the end of this post
Queer kids, just like queer adults, are everywhere – they just aren’t as visible as you might think. They are also the most vulnerable among us.
Many queer kids struggle in silence.
Some are confused about who they love, others are confused about who they would love to be. All of them struggle with the formidable task of making sense of an identity that they were never given the tools to make sense of (let alone the encouragement to do so).
I call it a “formidable task” because making sense of your growing and changing “alternative” identity as a queer kid is like untying a sailor’s knot in complete darkness … and without any prior training or lifeline to call on.
When the time came for me to start untying that knot myself, it was one of the first times I can remember feeling truly alone.
Unlike all my past memories of falling off my bike and skinning my knee or having a fight with a friend at school, this was the first time I didn’t feel like I could just drop my backpack in the kitchen in angst and tell my parents; or my brothers; or my friends.
That’s what I mean by darkness – queer kids are in the dark when it comes to their internal struggle. Coming out is just the tip of the iceberg, the section of our journey that’s visible just above the waterline. What people don’t see are the months, or even years, of isolated confusion, denial, and self-hate that come to define a queer kid’s coming of age.
As far as that “queer kid’s coming of age” goes, I was, and continue to be, extremely fortunate.
I had a bunch of new faces subscribe to the newsletter recently (welcome ya’ll 😊) because of a Facebook post my mom wrote a few days ago to promote it.
“Check it out and form your own opinion,” she wrote, “because hey … after all I’m just the proud mom!”
Seeing that post out of the blue, I half-expected the inner-teenager in me to feel that slight pang of shy-embarrassment that somehow only your parents can manage to make you feel. Instead, I just felt lucky.
I am here, sitting at this desk and writing this newsletter today because I was accepted for who I am.
While I could talk about everything that wasn’t right about my coming out – about how it isn’t ok that I grew up in a world that convinced me I may be rejected by my loved ones for who I am – instead, I’ll say this: I wouldn’t be where I am today without the supportive friends and family that I am so fortunate, and proud, to have.
In fact, statistically speaking, I may not be here at all.
Queer kids are everywhere – in your neighborhoods, your schools, and your homes – they are alone, they are extremely vulnerable, and, yes, they need you.
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Sometimes, I feel as if I’m being a touch too dramatic in my writing. Case and point: “I may not be here at all.” Isn’t that a little too much?
As it turns out, no, it isn’t.
Queer kids’ lives and safety really are under attack.
I’m going to share some statistics with you, but before I do I want to make it clear that I’m not sharing these grim numbers just so I can garner some kind of cheap shock value.
These statistics are just evidenced-backed truth, plain and simple. Any shock you might feel is just a side effect of having to swallow it.
The Trevor Project, a well-established, non-profit organization focused on suicide prevention for LGBTQ+ youth, continues to do the hard work of collecting these sobering statistics so that we, the general public, stay in-the-know about how queer youth are really doing.
The organization’s 2020 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health, comprised of responses from over 40,000, 13-24-year-old LGBTQ+ people in the U.S., is particularly jarring.
Queer kids are dying.
According to that survey, 40% of respondents “seriously considered attempting suicide” in the last 12 months. That’s 2 in every 5 LGBTQ+ youth. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the statistic jumps to more than half of respondents when it comes to transgender and nonbinary youth.
I’ve never personally known anyone that’s died by suicide, and for that, I’m very grateful. Judging from these numbers though, I’m sure there are many who can’t say the same.
Queer kids are hurting.
Meanwhile, 48% of LGBTQ+ youth and over 60% of transgender and nonbinary youth reported “engaging in self-harm” in the last year. On average, that means about 1 in 2 LGBTQ+ youth have self-harmed. To put that number in perspective given the survey size, theoretically that would be about 20,000 kids across the U.S. engaging in some form of self-harm – and that’s just from this survey.
But they’re not just harming themselves. 1 in 3 LGBTQ+ youth, or 33%, reported that they had been “physically threatened or harmed” sometime in their life due to their identity. Violence is learned.
As you know if you’ve been following this newsletter, I am one of those 33% of LGBTQ+ youth myself. For a kid who’d grown up in largely LGBTQ+ supportive spaces – albeit severely lacking in representation – it was a punch to the gut (no pun intended).
Queer kids are being rejected.
The number of queer kids getting rejected by their loved ones and thrown into unsafe situations might just be the driving force behind all these other statistics. For some reason, they’re also the ones that hit closest to my heart.
According to the survey, “29% of LGBTQ youth have experienced homelessness, been kicked out, or run away.” 29 percent, folks. That’s 3 in 10 LGBTQ+ youth.
On top of that, and seemingly on another planet than the one I live on, 10% of respondents said they had undergone conversion therapy, with 78% saying it occurred when they were under the age of 18. I wonder who made that decision for them …
As I’ve met more and more queer people, I’ve come face-to-face with all kinds of possible fates.
I’ve met –
People like me. People who, despite their deep-seated fears of being rejected, were ultimately accepted with open arms.
People who had reason to believe that their family wouldn’t support them, and so they never came out to them. People who, for example, couldn’t tell their parents they were gay because they feared they would lose their tuition money.
People who came out to their parents, or were outed to their parents, and were immediately told to leave the house. People who, in just a few words, lost the strongest love they had ever known – the same love that was supposed to be theirs unconditionally.
Damn. Now you know why I said I feel “overwhelmingly fortunate” to have my family and friends’ support.
And before we fling our thoughts and prayers to far-flung, “out of sight, out of mind” countries where LGBTQ+ identities are outlawed, I’d like to remind everyone that all these statistics come from respondents from within the U.S.
Yes, LGBTQ+ rights and the fate of queer youth are global issues, but in acknowledging that fact, we must also acknowledge that this is as much a domestic issue as it is a foreign one. LBGTQ+ youth are suffering in America, both across state-lines and down your block.
So what can we do? How can we protect our queer youth?
After reading everything I’ve just laid out for you, I can imagine this is the question on everyone’s minds. I know because it’s the same one on mine.
Reading statistics like these are heartbreaking, yes, but they’re also frustrating. They leave me absolutely buzzing with questions, like, why the hell aren’t we doing more to protect queer youth??
So, let’s talk about it.
We cannot be supporting politicians and political agendas that do not recognize the value of LGBTQ+ lives.
1. Because political discourse directly affects LGBTQ+ youth.
Evidence of this is all around us (not to mention plastered all over social media), but it’s also in the hard numbers. The Trevor Project’s National Survey found that 86% of LGBTQ+ youth felt that “recent politics have negatively impacted their well-being.”
If we learned anything from the last four years of the Trump administration, it’s that politics go far beyond ink on paper and C-span streamed discussions behind otherwise closed doors.
What we say and how we say it matters.
The discussions we have around the dinner table matter. And, certainly, the voice of the candidates we choose to support matters. You cannot separate a homophobic or transphobic remark or action from a candidate or political agenda you align yourself with.
For queer kids, the very same kids who might just be living under your roof or hanging out in your friend group, your alignment speaks volumes.
2. Because political actions directly affect LBGTQ+ youth.
This one may seem obvious, and yet it can get a little lost in translation at times.
Sometimes, for example, I get the feeling that people think Trump and his legacy weren’t so bad for LGBTQ+ people – that we’re just being dramatic. To that I’ll say thank god for GLAAD, an LGBT-focused media monitoring organization, and its masterpiece, The Trump Accountability Project (TAP).
In total, TAP has cataloged 181 “anti-LGBTQ statements and actions” on account of Trump and his goons
– everything from limiting access to HIV and STI prevention programs, to rolling back protections for transgender Americans seeking health care. To add insult to injury, the aforementioned protections were rolled back during pride month and on the four-year anniversary of the Pulse nightclub shooting – talk about the power of political discourse.
Who you support, be it on the local, state, or national stage, has a direct impact on LGBTQ+ lives, and LGBTQ+ youth in particular. So before you support them or their agenda, make a habit of seeing how they speak and where they stand on queer issues. In fact, make it non-negotiable.
We have to make our acceptance, pride, and willingness to learn crystal clear.
Do you consider yourself supportive of the queer community and queer youth? If you do, that’s great, but now make it known.
Just like you may have tweeted in support of Black Lives Matter, or attended a protest or rally, or talked about it over dinner, now is always the best time to start talking about LGBTQ+ issues and the crisis queer youth are up against in this country.
We can’t hear your “thoughts and prayers”; we need to hear your voices.
I’ve said it a few times already but I’ll say it 1,000 times over – LGBTQ+ youth are not as visible as you might think. While you might believe that talking with your friends and family or posting on social media about these issues won’t have any impact in those circles, I’m telling you it will – queer kids are everywhere.
When you draw attention to LGBTQ+ issues and voice your support for the community, you are addressing a deficit – the lack of support that queer kids feel in our world.
Never doubt the power of that support. After all, queer youth are dying in its absence.
Share That’s Gay to break the ice.
I know, seems like shameless self-promotion (and it kind of is) but I stand by it.
I started That’s Gay in the hopes that I could contribute to a growing discussion on queer issues that ultimately stands to benefit LGBTQ+ youth; something I wish I had growing up.
At the same time, with this newsletter I hope to create queer-focused content that everyone can engage with. Gay, straight, cisgender, transgender, nonbinary, whatever you identify as, all are welcome. It’s built to be accessible.
So if you think I’m fulfilling that purpose, then this is a perfect (and easy) resource to share and make your support known.
Share it on social media and talk about what you’ve read over coffee, happy hour, and dinner – even if it’s over Zoom. Use That’s Gay as an excuse to voice your support for queer youth.
Other quality resources for LGBTQ+ allies.
Check out this recent Medium article written by former LGBTQ+ activist and writer, James Finn. His article, “Want to Become a Powerful LGBTQ Ally?” already says it all.
It is absolutely jam-packed with quality resources and actionable ways to support the queer community that go well beyond the needs of its youth – everything from news outlets to follow to organizations to get involved with.
Some of my favorite of his recommendations …
LGBTQ nation, a media outlet that will send the latest news on queer issues straight to your inbox. I’ve subscribed, and it’s great.
LGBTQ+ focused organizations like the Trevor Project and GLAAD – both of which you can follow on all social media and repost in support.
Lots more good stuff in his article.
P.S. I want to get That’s Gay talking!
A lot of you have reached out to me already in just about as many ways as is possible these days – via text, over Facebook messenger, through Instagram DM, etc. etc.
While I really want you to continue to do so (especially if you want to keep your comments private) I also think it’d be really cool to get some of that action going in the comments section of this newsletter.
A discussion question for every newsletter.
As a completely optional way of getting the gears turning, I’m going to start ending each newsletter with a juicy discussion Q that we can get into in the comments.
Today’s discussion Q: Should we ever make assumptions about kids’ sexual orientations/gender identities? As the cultural norm stands now, we assume children are straight/cisgender from birth, an assumption they then have to challenge or “come out” from should they identify as queer. Is this a norm we should challenge?
*You don’t need to be an expert on LGBTQ+ issues to comment – lord knows I’m not. Answer honestly. We’re all learning, all the time. Any and all opinions are welcome, so long as they’re not hateful. We all know what hate looks like and it has no home in the comments.
Other things you can drop in the comments section …
Your thoughts on what you just read (including ones that challenge my writing)
Follow-up questions
A particular fact/figure, opinion, or experience that stood out to you
Topics you’d like to learn more about/see covered in future newsletters (which is selfishly a hugeee help to me)
A related resource/link to something interesting you think people reading (and myself) would benefit from
Responses to other comments etc. etc.
Ok, you get the point – when it comes to the comments section (and this life we’re all living), you do you. That’s all!
And that was That’s Gay, Volume 11. See you in Volume 12, folks!
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I believe we should not assume anything when a kid is growing up. The most healthiest option I think is to let the child bloom and not limit nor confine them with the norm. The role of the parent should be to nurture and guide the child through life. The birth assumption that the child is straight/cisgender from the get go should not be the norm. Because the child should be the one to decide what and who they want to be. That whole norm of "coming out" should not be something that should happen. And I mean this with what I said earlier in mind. A child should not be thrown into this category of straight and cisgender before they even can express themselves. But society has continued to label and categorize what people should and should not be for ages. That assumption is almost always straight and cisgender which it should not be. So yeah lets challenge this norm and change it.